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Book Club...
| Posted on February 12, 2012 at 12:00 AM |
Hello! This post is actually an assignment from an interesting online writing group I've joined. More info about the participating members in this group can be found as you read along. The group leader's writing-prompt for the month of February is "Second Chances'. Was hoping the prompt would be something easy like describing a delicious apple pie with a scoop of vanilla ice-cream without using "mmm, mmm good" in the description. Oh, well, gave my word to the group--commitment and trust means a lot to me, so, here's an excerpt from a work in progress, from a chapter entitled "48 Hours".,,
Zoe met him in the foyer as he closed the front door. Her tail was wagging wildly with excitement, and she set her wet nose in the palm of his free hand as if to say pet me. He happily obliged as they entered the kitchen. He opened the back door so she could venture out and stretch her legs, and answer the call of nature if she had to. What a beautiful Yellow Lab he thought as he replenished her water bowl.
Her owner would be back soon, so his dog-sitting days were numbered. Hitting the on switch on the coffeemaker, he turned his attention to the daily newspaper on the kitchen table, where the cleaning lady routinely leaves it for him. His eyes were immediately drawn to a big, bold caption.
Reading "The New South", the large black letters ran beneath a picture of Confederate General Robert E. Lee's imposing granite statue in Market Square, where a group of Black and White youngsters played a spirited game of touch football. General Lee sat upon his famous white horse Traveller, his commanding presence permanently affixed upon the beautifully landscaped lawns. The local library, an architectural gem sitting just across the narrow street from the ongoing action below his high perch, held many books about the epic Civil War. A hundred years plus after his assassination, Abraham Lincoln--somewhere above--must have a twinkle in his eye, witnessing descendants of former slaves and slave-owners so peaceably engaged.
The familiar ringtone of his cell phone suddenly steered his attention away from the newspaper. Crossing the spacious living room floor of his Georgetown condo, his steps quickened as classical music from the Godfather Waltz filled the room, getting louder as he got closer. The phone seemed to vibrate upon the antique mahagony desk near the fireplace mantle as he reached to pick it up. He and his significant-other, insert name of the Bridesmaid at Ms. Murano's wedding, had not spoken in a couple of days, so-- with his heart racing and butterflies churning, he prayed she was returning his call. He had left a heartfelt apology several hours before--albeit a voice-message to a machine--asking for a second chance. Hmm, he thought aloud, Does an apology to a machine count?
The raspy voice of Henry Chase Corwin, the chairman of the powerful House Ways & Means Committee, dashed his hopes...
Thanks for reading along. Please venture over to the following websites for some interesting reading. Please take a few minutes to leave the authors a comment (offering some support, encouragement, feedback, etc. ) Don't hesitate to bookmark them for future reading:
Participants and posts:
Turndog-Millionaire - http://turndog-millionaire.com/ (link to this month's post)
orion_mk3 - http://nonexistentbooks.wordpress.com (link to this month's post)
Ralph Pines - http://ralfast.wordpress.com/ (link to this month's post)
magicmint - http://www.loneswing.com/ (link to this month's post)
Tomspy77 - http://thomaswillamspychalski.wordpress.com/ (link to this month's post)
MamaStrong - http://writingofme.blogspot.com/ (link to this month's post)
in_one - http://quirkythomas.blogspot.com/ (link to this month's post)
LilGreenBookworm - http://themayhemofwritingsahm-style.blogspot.com/ (link to this month's post)
LiterateParakeet - http://lesliesillusions.blogspot.com/ (link to this month's post)
Diana_Rajchel - http://blog.dianarajchel.com/ (link to this month's post)
sambgood - http://www.samanthabagood.com/ (link to this month's post)
Bogna - http://bemaslanka.wordpress.com/ (link to this month's post)
writingismypassion - http://charityfaye.blogspot.com/ (link to this month's post)
kiwiviktor81 - http://storygenerator.net/ (link to this month's post)
AFord - http://af12.webs.com/ (link to this month's post)
randi.lee - http://emotionalnovel.blogspot.com/ (link to this month's post)
These Mean Streets - http://ohno-anotherwritingblog.blogspot.com/ (link to this month's post)
areteus - http://lurkingmusings.wordpress.com/ (link to this month's post)
Domoviye - http://living-working-in-china.blogspot.com/ (link to this month's post)
pyrosama - http://matrix-hole.blogspot.com/ (link to this month's post)
SuzanneSeese - http://www.viewofsue.blogspot.com/ (link to this month's post)
julzperri - http://www.fishandfrivolity.blogspot.com/ (link to this month's post)
Nissie - http://www.paperheroes.net/ (link to this month's post)
*** Regular political posting will resume here again 48 hrs. ahead of next month's Super Tuesday voting in the Republican primaries.
Categories: Book Club
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28 Comments
Hey Orion_mk3
A note of thanks/appreciation to all you guys for venturing over. Left you a follow up message in response to your note above over on your February thread...Please call me Al, and have a great day : )
...Thanks for the tease, but I wanna read more now.
Appreciate your encouraging comments...have a great day : )
and the statue and I felt the urgency of your need to talk to your significant other. I'm just a baby writer myself so I'm not so sure I can be a very good person to leave comments...comments are not only a pat on the back but I know some should be constructive in order to grow...I'm a rather optimistic person when it comes to others and I feel proud of their achievements...the only part where I felt like I was reading was the beginning part of the newspaper where the statue was being described....but after I went back and read it several times I started to see it Soooo did he get a call back from his significant other later in the story? As far as his question of leaving an apology on a machine...we can wait in torment for an answer when the person might have not checked their messages...yikes...better in person.
My favorite part is the opening. I have a yellow lab named Calvin and he is my moon and stars. In describing your lab you described him perfectly, which makes the moment all the more believable.
Great job with this and I look forward to reading more from you!
R
@Randi...Thank you for sharing your keen/encouraging assessment...am feeling pretty upbeat because your feedback suggests/confirms that I'm improving on reaching/tapping into the senses of the reader, which as you mentioned is always a plus. So happy for you and your own Yellow Lab, Calvin. It's amazing how attentive and well mannered Labs can be--You have a loyal and faithful friend for life-cheers : )
@Writingismypassion...Thank you for venturing over. Enjoyed reading your prompt entry this month about "Second Chances", and wish everyone living on this blue and green planet could get a second chance at something as important as love. However, your comment is well taken as it's a sad reality/truth that not everyone gets a second chance.
Hat tip//you guys are awesome! Hope you are participating in next month's prompt
The first suggestion would be to discover where you have overwritten. For instance, as an example, "Zoe met him in the foyer. Her tail wagged and she nuzzled his palm with a wet nose." Just a sample. Do you see how much is conveyed in very few words? That's what I'm talking about. However, don't take my suggestions verbatim! Make the prose your own and make it your own style. Again, you have a wonderful beginning and a chance to really make it shine, characterize your protagonist and make Zoe a character worthy of note! Oh, yes, a dog can be a very POWERFUL character and it's quite easy to bring her to life and give her empathetic qualities that will complement your protagonist! The less you say about her, the more you say. You can really make her resonate with subtext as to what is really going on in the story, and also give your protagonist a sounding board. THere is nothing better than a dog as a listening companion! They are the BEST at it and let her perform that service with impeccable justice!
Now that we find out her owner is not the protagonist, that puts a different level of relationship to the two and it also allows you to play with that interaction. It can be very playful, amusing, or a bit strained and uncertain. The level you choose will affect everything from the beginning through the ending!
The third para takes us into a completely new and different arena. You have to find a way to tie in the opening with this middle section, so that you don't lose us. We very much want to be a part of this, but it feels almost like a private session with your protagonist, of which the reader is excluded. What I mean by that is you give some good background description, but you don't tie the newspaper article to anything that's happening the protagonist right now. That disjoints the piece and makes this an awkward moment to insert. It'd be better left out, unless you have a specific purpose for it. If so, make it count right here right now. It has to tie in to the beginning, and segueway into the phone call from the girlfriend. Clarify that a bit more, too.
Maybe if he answers in a meek voice to the booming sound of the Chair of the House Ways and Means Committee, you might have some interesting conflict develop. He can stammer his way through an explanation, while the Chair may not be interested at all in such a thing and is more concerned with something that occurred with the protagonist, or there is a leak about a scandal he's involved in, etc.
I realize this is only part of a story, so I am theorizing beyond my means here and for that, please forgive me. I don't wish to put words in front of you that you don't intend.
The presence of the Chairman, as opposed to his girlfriend is an interesting surprise and one I hope you are going to take full advantage of! I expect that the Chairman is going to act like a political sob and shoot us full of lies, boasts, and other snippets of immoral and illegal gossip! If not, don't put him in!
In fact, his entrance is perhaps the most interesting part of this whole piece, with the exception of the article detailed in the middle. I really think you have something here! Let me ask you this: Do you have a legitimate way to tie in the article with the Chairman? Does that have something to do with his call? If not, you might want to consider it. Perhaps you've already got something lined up for the next part of the story, and if that's the case, fine. However, don't forget to find a way to tie in the story and the opening, so that you have a smooth run from beginning right on through.
Thank you for the beginning of what could be a very fine offering! Good luck with its writing, keep at it, and I look forward to seeing either some fresh material or a reworking of this.
Thank you for sharing your insightful comments--much appreciated. Leaves me with some great ideas to pursue. Given your positive feedback about Zoe's over all impact/influence, I'm willing to restructure the narrative, and though her owner fails to return, and I was initially left with a choice of having her grow on the main character, or simply finding a worthwhile family to adopt her, I'll find a way to do the right thing by her and keep her (have to attribute that decision to tossing in Randi's affinity/love above for Labs, and your strong recommendation/input confirming Zoe's potential to become an essential integral within the storyline). Yes, with her aboard, there will be some tender and amusing moments (think Adam Sandler bonding with a new pet who abruptly takes him out of his normal routine).
Yes, have to also agree with you that using less words to say more is something worthwhile to pursue as this piece continues to develop, so will certainly look for ways to convey more with less wordage (appreciate your feedback here as well). Have to note that you are very perceptive, and seemed to have pinpointed rather quickly that the young politician will face some tough choices as the story unfolds, "dance" for the powerful Chairman of the House Ways & Means Committee, thus advancing his political career, or finding the courage to maintain his sense of integrity. Ultimately, his significant-other, Aimee, leaves him with only two choices, being the individual she fell in love with, or good riddance. The choice he makes will seal his fate (a promising up and coming politician who knows how to play the game, or an individual of integrity who doesn't "dance" for the highest bidder).
Really appreciate your thoughtful insights here, Mark, and will take a step back and re-evaluate the work, and re-work some of my original storylines, essentially weaving each new wrinkle into a smooth transition to optimize the over all storyline. Hopefully, the Connecticut Yankee will find a way to co-exist with the Washington Establishment embodied by kingmakers like Henry Chase Corwin, or listen to his heart.
Hat tip, Mark...enjoy your day.
Appreciate your visit...thanks for your encouraging comment about desription of General Lee's statue in the park. It holds many memories for me as a youngster whenever I had to accompany my Pappy to work.
Enjoyed reading your post as well, and admire your courage to share it--Cheers!
I would maybe put his ringtone on vibrate or have her call a land line. Also as soon as he got the the phone, every cell phone I know of has caller ID, so he would know it was not her even before he picked up.
Thank you for venturing by, and sharing your technological prowess--pretty impressive--cheers! By anyone's standards I still have much to learn about gadgets, etc., but blaming it on images of Mum's old black rotary phone in the den won't cut it. Will just have to spend some time re working that paragraph to reflect a more tech-savvy character. Thank you for noting that, and helping me to potentially reach more readers. Seems I'll have to select a ringtone instead of vibrate-mode in case I'm in another room, and also maybe in a future chapter when the couple are getting along have Aimee set a specific love song to signal that she is calling--woohoo, that sounds like fun--so much better than the condescending voice of Chairman Corwin. Thanks again, Katrina..enjoy your day.
Most of my salutations and suggestions have already been brought up by the others, so I won't repeat them. But I will add that I liked two of your little touches very much: the Southern atmosphere and the musical nod to Nino Rota.
Love your descriptions Al.
Good to see you guys! Thanks for venturing by--much appreciated. Hat tip/cheers...see ya on the boards when I return on Sunday afternoon. Best wishes for a safe and wonderful weekend...happy writing!
Just a note of thanks for your visit--much appreciated. Glad you liked it, an encouraging sign. Hope you and yours are enjoying a good weekend.
Just a note of thanks for your good faith attempt at leaving a comment--much appreciated, and I apologize for the internal glitch you experienced. Happy Sunday to you...appreciate your follow up message over on the boards--Cheers, Ralph
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Beautifully written my friend, you make me proud!"
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